Who is she


Ever since I was around 18 or 19, I always thought a cosplay-related career was going to be my endgame. Think Yaya Han in her 40s. 

So as I was about to graduate college, I started putting in the work to prepare. If you say "walk the talk", I walked more than I talked. 

I started grooming my Instagram for cosplay. I started taking sewing lessons to up my skill. I started taking commissions to widen my coverage. I selected characters that were challenging so I could build a brand. I started renting out costumes to fund new ones. I did it all while also on a full-time job as a product designer straight after college.

But along the way, I guess after 3 years of trying to balance it all, the novelty of cosplay started to fade. I started to lose the motivation gradually. Is it burnout? Is this the quarter life crisis? Is this a symptom of adulting? Did I peak too early? Lol jk.

And my endgame started to fade as well. I no longer had the motivation to create create create. And with no cosplay career endgame anymore, I didn't know who I was. 

Who am I? Who is she? What is my dream now?

For the past 2 years I didn't understand why I was so confused in life but now I realized why. It's because I was so used to having a goal to direct my one track mind.

And now that the goal (which was once to be a Yaya Han) is morphing and changing into something I don't know yet, I am left not really knowing how to move forward.

Right now, I'm still putting in the work, albeit much slower than before.  Being a walker not a talker, I took on new creative jobs online (some with the help of good friends) to continue earning and building my portfolio.  

I still currently don't know what my new career endgame is.

I like to keep busy so I have tried so many things over the past year. Everything I do is always related to leveling up the hard and soft skills I have. (Cosplay, product design, digital illustration, and writing)

I'll keep trying new related things and I'll keep moving forward. It's a really weird time for me right now so I keep a lot to myself. When people ask me about my life and plans i just say "not much" and "i don't know" because it's just much easier to say. I also don't want to cover it up with adulting flexes. Ew.  

Despite this wandering gap year phase, I never lost hope that sometime soon I'll be able to reclaim my dream and charge towards it relentlessly again. 

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